Can I Get A Do Over?

No posting since March?  Yes, that is right.  I have a hard time writing when fully embroiled in a shit storm.  Sarcasm turns into nasty negativity and no one wants to read that.  That said, it has been a super shitty year so far.   The entire freaking year.  If I could, I would formally request a Do Over, but alas that is not an option so I am choosing to look at next year with the most positive effing attitude that I can muster up.  (I would like to add there is one aside to this – the addition of a very special, super cute puppy.  He has been the one bright spot of happiness – with a teeny bit of stress attached.)  I have read many times that if humans lose hope they also lose their ability to let joy into their lives.  This I totally understand.  Once you lose hope that there is the possibility of change when times are tough, a sense of hopelessness most certainly follows.  It has taken me many months of trying to figure out how to handle all that has been dropped on me and it took quite some time before I realized that I cannot let myself lose hope that good things can and will happen.  Although part of me worries that I will need to have a Bury My Head in the Sand contingency plan, just in case I can’t find some sliver of happiness to look forward to, I will continue to delude myself into thinking that all will work out in the end. 

Until then, I will continue to try my best not to commit any justifiable crimes, run off and join the circus OR voluntarily commit myself.  A girls gotta have goals!

Thoughts on Loss

Losing things is just as certain as change.  Both propel us to deal with things that we sometimes do not want to deal with or are emotionally unprepared to handle.  Last week I suffered so many losses I was beginning to think the Universe was testing my resolve to keep afloat.  Grief is a strange emotion that always seems to follow loss but how is it possible to move through stages of grief when the losses are numbered?  In my case I tried really hard to just deal with one punch in the face by life at a time.  It was hard work.  It is certainly very easy to just curl up in a ball under the covers in your bed and hide.  Or, as many people do, medicate with alcohol or drugs to not deal at all.  As much as all I wanted to do, for at least a few days, is have myself a pity party and hide from life, I am not given that privilege.  Everyone in my life expects me to soldier on and maintain their level of comfort so as to not affect their lives with change or make them have to show any concern.  It is also a personality flaw on my part.  I call it one part – don’t like attention, another part – consistently be a human door mat for people.   This past week has taught me that yes, I can soldier through great losses and maintain my composure (read: don’t physically hurt anyone or tell people what I am really thinking)  and it has also taught me that the only person I can trust and rely on is myself.  Oh, and don’t get too comfortable because just when you think your life is rolling along just fine, the Universe decides to drop kick you back to reality.    On that note I leave you with a picture of Sammy.  The cat that was always mistaken for a kitten who just loved to be warm and never missed an opportunity to help you open a can of tuna! 

The Art of Continuing To Tidy Up, Again and Again

I am sure you are all now familiar with Marie Kondo’s Art of Tidying Up since her Netflix show came out and every radio station, magazine and social media site got wind of it.  I read her book last year and took a half-hearted stab at tidying up my life.  Keep in mind I am not a super messy person and probably fall on the low end of the hoarding scale however my home did not suddenly become the Japanese oasis that I longed for.  I set out to clean at least one cupboard in the kitchen a week and try to keep it that way.  I love having tidy, organized everything and the book did help me with giving myself permission to get rid of things that I don’t use.  I did NOT throw all the stuff in a garbage bag and send it to the landfill, as Ms. Kondo suggested in the book.  It goes against my moral compass to throw perfectly good things away that others could use.  To the donation centre we go!  Actually, on that note, since the Netflix series started there has, apparently, been a record number of household goods and clothing donated to local charities so one might say this Tidying Up Craze is a win for many people.  As usual I digress…. Back to me and my mess……  after about three weeks of cupboard/closet tidying, I gave up.  It also doesn’t go well if you are the only one super pumped about the tidying/super clean cupboards.  So frustrating to clean out a cupboard only to come home from work and find crap piled back in it!    This leads me to a few weeks ago when I heard on a couple of different radio stations about the Netflix shows so I got on board and watched one episode and fast forward watched a second.  This was an exercise in patience for me for sure.  All I wanted was for the homes of the people at the end to be so super tidy and zen like I would want to take a week off work and do this myself.  This is not what I got, at least in the two episodes I watched.  I found myself yelling at the people on the tv and telling them to damn well get over it and get rid of that book you have not read in ten years and most likely will not read again.  Seriously, the piles of clothing the people had when they dumped it all on their beds astounded me!  I would be lucky to fill half a twin size bed with my clothing, let alone a king size!  Anyway, I stopped watching and started organizing…. again… one drawer at a time. 

 

I get most of the concepts that Ms. Kondo describes although it would not fare well for me to have someone come home and see me talking to my things.  That would certainly be a one way trip to the psychiatric ward for this girl.   Oh, and I don’t care if my socks want to be respected and lie flat in my drawer.  Them bitches are being balled up together with their, hopefully matching, partner.  So much easier that way.  Sorry Marie!

 

(PS – I will most certainly NOT be reporting back on this one.  With four boy humans, two cats and now a dog there is not a hope in hatracks this will be a success!)

The Report Back on Change

Honestly, change is unnerving.  I have never been afraid of change or resistant to change however there are times when it is nice to have not too many of them happen at the same time!  As humans, if we don’t adapt to change we honestly don’t have a chance because change is constant and our survival apparently depends on adapting!    The new job?  I am plugging along finding my way.  I am having a difficult time with the sarcasm/sense of humor thing here as it appears that most people in the new office take themselves and their jobs so seriously that even cracking a smile indicates weakness.  I will keep smiling at them.  I will either break them down or they will continue to ignore the crazy person who smiles at everyone!  I am certain there is a Sense of Humor filter at the elevators because there doesn’t seem to be much of that around either.  Or, I just have not found it yet!  (Maybe there is a secret club of happy people hiding out somewhere……  Geeze, I would even take sarcastically grumpy!) 

On a more positive note I am getting a lot more exercise at this new job.  The coffee is now way farther away and so is the ladies washroom.  A lot more steps being logged on the ole Fitbit!  (Which coincidently is being offset by the many options I now have to purchase lunch.  So yes to exercise, no to french fries!)  I am also learning a lot and this makes the neurons happy.  I believe I have dropped into a place where I will continue to be challenged and this helps me get out of bed in the morning and come to work!

I sense more changes on the horizon with friends and family so I am going to take one change at a time and roll with the punches.


Like they say…..  “Fake it till ya make it! “

(Quote brought to you mostly by my friend Amy who happens to be a very important lawyer who manages to be lawyerly AND have a wicked sense of humor so I know it can be done!  Even  though Michelle would not let her get the quote in tattoo form to pledge her allegiance to “faking it”!  Oh, Amy.... stop laughing...... some of us think you are a very important lawyer.  Heck, you passed the Bar and got a job!)

Same Question, Different Words...... Different words, Different Question? You Tell Me.

I was recently asked “What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?”.  If of course chuckled to myself because I had written a very scattered post with that very same title on February 7^th and, upon reading it back, it occurred to me the key word in that sentence is BE.  I wondered if my post and the question I had been asked should have be worded: “What do you want to DO when you grow up?  One tiny word changes that entire sentence.  Those two words made my February post so much more confusing as the answer to DO would clearly have been “own a craft brewery that serves nachos and write about it” (Please change nachos to Grilled Cheeses.  I changed my mind.  I can do that.)  However, the answer to BE from that post is “Thoughtful, Caring Human”.  Both of which are completely different.  One is a DO and one definitely is a BE.  In my jumbled mind, I had very much confused the two of them.  I now wish I had this epiphany a long, long time ago when I was asked the ever frustrating DO question and I stumbled upon no answer at all.  

I may, from this point on, focus on the BE and not the DO since, it seems, I am a long way from finding the true DO that suits my confusing personality, but I am definitely on my way to being the best BE I can (Yes, my Authentic, Sarcastic Self).  On that note,  I celebrate with those friends who feel they are truly DOING what they love and also celebrate those who live their authentic BE every day. 

Are you the best BE you can be?

(I was going to insert a nature picture of a BEE here but we all know what happens when I post nature pictures so, in order to save time and the hassle, I have decided against any BEE/nature photos at this time.)

A New Chapter

It is always nerve wracking starting something new or making major changes in your life.  In my case, I am the picture of confidence on the outside but inside I am a twirling, nervous mess.  Of course just until the “new” is not new anymore!   This is when I tend to lean on my crew for  reassurance that I am not going to screw up or make a horrible fool out of myself (hence the emergency Back Yard Book Club Meeting that was called!).  So, thus begins a new chapter in my illustrious career.  I am moving from the job that is far, far away to a new job that is much closer in location and, fingers crossed, going to keep the neurons hopping for an extended period of time!  When I am not stressing out about screwing up, I am super excited about the new challenge.  Fingers crossed (again) my new bosses understand sarcasm or I am going to have to a) tone it down a LOT and b) put them on a 12 week sarcasm training course!  All these changes come with the stress/sadness of leaving some of my people (to be fair…. one is leaving me.  Flying off to the desert to have a crazy work adventure).  I will forever be grateful that I got to work Far, Far Away.  I learned that working exclusively out of your home office is not healthy, I hate commuting and I am, apparently, nice to people (don’t tell anyone this… can’t ruin my reputation as a person who dislikes persons!).  I was told a long, long time ago that if you are not uncomfortable, you are not learning.  That’s all fine and good when your 20 years old but sometimes you just want your life to wear yoga pants – even just for a while!  I will, of course, report back on trying to keep my sarcasm at bay and how I am faring at the new job….. Until then in the world according to Shrek – “Change is good Donkey”